Last night's sleep was pretty restless.
Here goes my dream:
As Young (my pastor) was driving me home, we started this great conversation on life and God and then decided to go grab a coffee to continue it. We took the first exit off the highway and pulled into a secluded restaurant area. But as we were driving into the parking lot we felt some eerie presence and noticed something terribly wrong. To my left there was a man laying across his right side on the ground with a rifle a few metres ahead. There were police men and a crowd of people. Then to my right, there was a woman and a man lying on the ground as well. The area was being taped off and there was broken glass from the convenient store all over the ground. By the looks of it, it was a robbery gone completely out of hand. So the store owner (the first man) was actually dead and I remember seeing a lot of blood and guts around him. Also the woman was dead but the other man beside her was going to survive. I was so freaked out. This was the first time I've ever seen a dead person before and it just seemed so surreal.
This next part is even more odd.
Behind the taped off area was a group of onlookers and witnesses to the situation. However, they seemed to be either crying, praying, or worshipping. It didn't really make any sense at all what they were doing. First, it wasn't their business and second.. some of them were bowing down and raising their hands. It was like a worship session out of context and maybe not even for God. Were they mourning the two deaths? Were they asking for mercy and redemption? Noo idea. I was so confused. Then the next thing I knew, I was down there with them too crying and praying and all that. I was bowing down and lifting my hands. It was such an emotional atmosphere... then I realized these onlookers were Joyful people!! So somehow I ended up with my congregation members. How completely and utterly bizarre.
What were we doing? I don't quite understand...yet.
Anyway, I woke up from that dream and rushed to go talk to my pastor. I told him all about that dream and I don't even remember what he concluded.. something about me needing to trust God more and to know that not all dreams come from God. I told him how scary and REAL it felt to see a dead man and the feelings that came with that. Even though it was a dream it felt so disturbingly real. So this dream kept going on, switching scenes from a formal dinner party with Joyful to moving into a house in 4th year with my Schulich crew.... all the while, thinking that I had the most surreal dream ever!
And then.. I woke up this morning to realize that ALL of the above was a dream. I had a dream that I dreamt about a dead man. So technically I never told my pastor any of this...and I'm contemplating whether or not I should call him up right now and tell him about it.
Actually, what would be the point of that? I don't even understand the point of this dream. Or maybe that is the point... that there is no point.
Sigh.. dreams within a dream. Kinda throws off your day.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Ad augusta per angusta
Through trial to triumph.
To high places by narrow roads.
I really like this Latin phrase. I came across it after looking up the word "Imago Dei" which is Latin for "God's image". Anyway, to high places by narrow roads. This phrase pertains to Mathew 7:14, "But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." I feel that we get too caught up in ideas, formulas, and maps that we lose sight of what really is the right path to success, to the answer, and to our destination. Then coming back to our roots we find that in order to get to high places is through an important concept called the 'narrow road'.
To high places by narrow roads.
I really like this Latin phrase. I came across it after looking up the word "Imago Dei" which is Latin for "God's image". Anyway, to high places by narrow roads. This phrase pertains to Mathew 7:14, "But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." I feel that we get too caught up in ideas, formulas, and maps that we lose sight of what really is the right path to success, to the answer, and to our destination. Then coming back to our roots we find that in order to get to high places is through an important concept called the 'narrow road'.
I can definitely testify to this: the world won't give you what you're looking for. I think we try so hard searching outwardly for anything to satisfy and provide.. but the only good that it ever does is polish our outward skin. But skin is constantly shedding and peeling, which means constant re-polishing. Plus, isn't polish just a glaze over the surface.. something to make you sparkle for a little while only to become dull again? What I'm implying is that this endless cycle will wear out as we get tired of dumping the old and trying the new. I don't know about you but I get tired of always searching, doing, performing.. because surely there's a limit to this world and a limit to our economical reaches. I guess this means the road just got way way narrower. So what next, where to?
This brings us to the inward self.. the shed-proof soul that will be there now and forever more.
It wants that everlasting treatment that doesn't just polish but penetrates deep into the skin (I sound like a face wash commercial)... or more simply put, unconditional fulfillment. Personally, I want a feeding that will never let me go hungry for more or anything other. And I know that dainty objects, philosophical reasoning, and scientific experiments won't come close to that. So I have come to know Jesus Christ, a man that I call Saviour, Father, friend, and Bridegroom. He is my narrow road because it is only through him and because of him that I will reach my high place, grasp triumph, and be abundantly filled. Jesus Christ offers something completely out of this world (literally!) and that is great and exactly what I need because like I mentioned before, nothing of this world satisfies anyway.
Although this topic is for another night reflection, I'll mention it only briefly.. Jesus is not offering me a religion. He is giving me him, someone who I can walk with along this life long journey.. sowing with tears and love and reaping benefits beyond my imagination. And in the end, by walking with Jesus (the narrow road), I will be one of those few that find the gates that open to Life. It's what my soul craves for.. the high place and the narrow road.
Although this topic is for another night reflection, I'll mention it only briefly.. Jesus is not offering me a religion. He is giving me him, someone who I can walk with along this life long journey.. sowing with tears and love and reaping benefits beyond my imagination. And in the end, by walking with Jesus (the narrow road), I will be one of those few that find the gates that open to Life. It's what my soul craves for.. the high place and the narrow road.
Friday, February 6, 2009
To My Dearest
There are about a million things running through my mind right now but as I was reading your entry, everything just stopped.
First off, there's no need to be 'sorry' about your behavior (because then I would have to be sorry for my lack of behavior and the next thing we know we're just apologizing in circles and never getting to the point). Everyone's first instinct of survival is protecting themselves and I completely understand you in that. People fail to love themselves and love each other and that's why it's so hard to trust.
I really wish I could say that I've been in your shoes and know how you feel... but I haven't and I can't begin to know how you're feeling. And honestly, that's where people and friendships fall short. It's the fact that I can't fully understand you and you can't fully know me, which leaves a huge gap hanging there. BUT, what I do know for certain is that our God is. Our God is the fill-in-the-gap between you and me (y'know, that gap that you find with your non christian friends). He is the way, the truth and the life... and in one simple word, He is love.
That's why you always hear in the back of your mind "I should go to God first." Your subconscious is right. It's God, not me or her or him, who fully understands and knows your feelings. And God knows it so well because He felt it in the flesh.
I hope you're prepared to hear me preach about Jesus because what kind of loving sister would I be if I didn't? :)
1 Peter 5:7 says, "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." Remember that it's Satan who constantly deceives you and tells you otherwise.
I also want to tell you something that touched my heart so much: how the Lord reminded me day after day that PERFECT love drives out fear. Through all of our pain and struggles comes fear. Fear of trusting, fear of trying, fear of letting your pride go... And it's a scary thought of what fear makes us do. We end up believing that we're incapable and we lose complete direction. I mentioned that Satan deceives us.. which means that he uses fear to trick us. And so the whirlwind begins. We struggle, we fall, we CRY, we fear... and then we HATE, build walls, stir up anger, and we hate even more.
But you and I, as children of God, aren't meant for this kind of anguish.
The world is not fair and not perfect because people will fail each other everyday. But God won't fail you. His purpose is too majestic for it to fall through just because you're stuck. He has made a promise to us.. and that is his perfect love. This is our tool for fixing. This is our shoulder to cry on.
So now comes the question of how to seek this love and comfort the Lord claims to provide.
I read this quote by Charles Spurgeon who said that "sorrow is the cloud which brings the shower of supplication." He is talking about prayer. Faith produces prayer and prayer produces faith, which ultimately gives us perseverance. We must never underestimate and doubt God's power because in Ephesians 3:20 it says: "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us..."
In all, we need to invite Him into our hearts so that his power and love can drive out our fears and sorrows and bless us to heights that we can't even fathom. There is a promise and purpose to everything we go through. That is the truth and we're just kidding ourselves thinking otherwise. So let's have hope for better days and keep pushing closer to God. He is the perfect being to have a relationship with since "vain is the help of man" (Psalm 108:12).
And maybe we just need to reverse our thinking like Thane Pittman when he says, "I'll see it when I believe it."
Starfield - Shripwreck
I built a fortress
With a hundred thousand faces
I'll keep it safe
With a hundred thousand more
But these masks are wearing thin
As You draw me in
I spent my time
On the empty and the fleeting
I spent my life
On much less than I'd dreamed
But I'm reaching out to you
To make me new
'Cause I am just a beggar here at Your door
I am just a shipwreck here on Your shore
I come empty handed
Ready to see
Your life in me changing who I've been
To who I need to be
First off, there's no need to be 'sorry' about your behavior (because then I would have to be sorry for my lack of behavior and the next thing we know we're just apologizing in circles and never getting to the point). Everyone's first instinct of survival is protecting themselves and I completely understand you in that. People fail to love themselves and love each other and that's why it's so hard to trust.
I really wish I could say that I've been in your shoes and know how you feel... but I haven't and I can't begin to know how you're feeling. And honestly, that's where people and friendships fall short. It's the fact that I can't fully understand you and you can't fully know me, which leaves a huge gap hanging there. BUT, what I do know for certain is that our God is. Our God is the fill-in-the-gap between you and me (y'know, that gap that you find with your non christian friends). He is the way, the truth and the life... and in one simple word, He is love.
That's why you always hear in the back of your mind "I should go to God first." Your subconscious is right. It's God, not me or her or him, who fully understands and knows your feelings. And God knows it so well because He felt it in the flesh.
I hope you're prepared to hear me preach about Jesus because what kind of loving sister would I be if I didn't? :)
1 Peter 5:7 says, "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." Remember that it's Satan who constantly deceives you and tells you otherwise.
I also want to tell you something that touched my heart so much: how the Lord reminded me day after day that PERFECT love drives out fear. Through all of our pain and struggles comes fear. Fear of trusting, fear of trying, fear of letting your pride go... And it's a scary thought of what fear makes us do. We end up believing that we're incapable and we lose complete direction. I mentioned that Satan deceives us.. which means that he uses fear to trick us. And so the whirlwind begins. We struggle, we fall, we CRY, we fear... and then we HATE, build walls, stir up anger, and we hate even more.
But you and I, as children of God, aren't meant for this kind of anguish.
The world is not fair and not perfect because people will fail each other everyday. But God won't fail you. His purpose is too majestic for it to fall through just because you're stuck. He has made a promise to us.. and that is his perfect love. This is our tool for fixing. This is our shoulder to cry on.
So now comes the question of how to seek this love and comfort the Lord claims to provide.
I read this quote by Charles Spurgeon who said that "sorrow is the cloud which brings the shower of supplication." He is talking about prayer. Faith produces prayer and prayer produces faith, which ultimately gives us perseverance. We must never underestimate and doubt God's power because in Ephesians 3:20 it says: "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us..."
In all, we need to invite Him into our hearts so that his power and love can drive out our fears and sorrows and bless us to heights that we can't even fathom. There is a promise and purpose to everything we go through. That is the truth and we're just kidding ourselves thinking otherwise. So let's have hope for better days and keep pushing closer to God. He is the perfect being to have a relationship with since "vain is the help of man" (Psalm 108:12).
And maybe we just need to reverse our thinking like Thane Pittman when he says, "I'll see it when I believe it."
Starfield - Shripwreck
I built a fortress
With a hundred thousand faces
I'll keep it safe
With a hundred thousand more
But these masks are wearing thin
As You draw me in
I spent my time
On the empty and the fleeting
I spent my life
On much less than I'd dreamed
But I'm reaching out to you
To make me new
'Cause I am just a beggar here at Your door
I am just a shipwreck here on Your shore
I come empty handed
Ready to see
Your life in me changing who I've been
To who I need to be
Sunday, January 25, 2009
A photo that makes you stop to think:
I've always wanted to be a citizen for humanity.. but I guess not enough to try and make a difference. But coming across this photo has reminded me of the burden we fail to carry.
How can I make it a reality to me when I live in such a sealed bubble? Either I'm afraid to come out or I don't know how to come out or.. I'm just making up excuses and I think 'me' is more important. The latter is probably true but.. I need to do something and stop being so oblivious! I waste so much time. God, I'm asking for an opportunity and I hope that my pride doesn't get in the way. There are those who desperately need CHANGE.. including myself. Change my heart, O God and make it so ever true.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Beauty for Ashes, Joy for Pain
A damn good song by Starfield called Over My Head.
This hits me every time.
After the words have all been said
After the songs are sung
I realize I've only but just begun
Trying to wrap my mind around
Extravagant love come down
Leaves me undone
Finds me with nothing to say
Unquenchable songs and endless praise
A million tongues poised to sing
Could still not convey
The worth that Your name deserves
Beauty for ashes
Joy for pain
Mercy instead of my blame
Ruins me for more
I'm lost in Your presence, Lord
Lost for the words to say
I'm left here in disarray
Waiting for You, waiting on truth
I've thrown reason overboard
Knowing that there's still more
I don't yet believe, I can't even perceive
I can't seem to understand
Can't seem to find my way
It's over my head, it's over my head
Learning this mystery
Trust what I cannot see
It's over my head, it's over my head
The wonder of all You've made
Foundations Your hands have laid
Ruined for anything other than Your love
I'm desperate to know You, Lord
Desperate for what's in store
Finding my hope in only You, in only You
Take me beyond this door
Lead me to something more
Open my heart up for more of You, more of You
This hits me every time.
After the words have all been said
After the songs are sung
I realize I've only but just begun
Trying to wrap my mind around
Extravagant love come down
Leaves me undone
Finds me with nothing to say
Unquenchable songs and endless praise
A million tongues poised to sing
Could still not convey
The worth that Your name deserves
Beauty for ashes
Joy for pain
Mercy instead of my blame
Ruins me for more
I'm lost in Your presence, Lord
Lost for the words to say
I'm left here in disarray
Waiting for You, waiting on truth
I've thrown reason overboard
Knowing that there's still more
I don't yet believe, I can't even perceive
I can't seem to understand
Can't seem to find my way
It's over my head, it's over my head
Learning this mystery
Trust what I cannot see
It's over my head, it's over my head
The wonder of all You've made
Foundations Your hands have laid
Ruined for anything other than Your love
I'm desperate to know You, Lord
Desperate for what's in store
Finding my hope in only You, in only You
Take me beyond this door
Lead me to something more
Open my heart up for more of You, more of You
Monday, January 19, 2009
My God is amazing I tell ya.
So according to the dream I wrote below.. I think God helped me figure it out.
I've been so ashamed of myself and the things I've done that I didn't even want to let the people that love me, see me. God wants to celebrate His love for us no matter who we are and what we look like. But I was so upset and so scared to let anyone see me like that.
I guess it's because in the end, as long as we recover from the fires and burns we endure, God will always be there with arms open wide.
Isaiah 50:10
Who among you fears the LORD
and obeys the word of his servant?
Let him who walks in the dark,
who has no light,
trust in the name of the LORD
and rely on his God.
Psalm 103:12
"As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."
So according to the dream I wrote below.. I think God helped me figure it out.
I've been so ashamed of myself and the things I've done that I didn't even want to let the people that love me, see me. God wants to celebrate His love for us no matter who we are and what we look like. But I was so upset and so scared to let anyone see me like that.
I guess it's because in the end, as long as we recover from the fires and burns we endure, God will always be there with arms open wide.
Isaiah 50:10
Who among you fears the LORD
and obeys the word of his servant?
Let him who walks in the dark,
who has no light,
trust in the name of the LORD
and rely on his God.
Psalm 103:12
"As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Dream Journal
So last night I had another crazy episode in my sleep.
Here we go...
I had fallen down.. lying there on my side not being able to move because my legs were numb. I looked up and all I saw were flames scattered around me and a huge fire just growing and growing. At first I tried and tried to move and escape but my legs were so limp and I was in so much pain that I didn't even have enough strength to pull my body away. So I just quit, and put my head back down and laid there so helpless. I could feel the fire burning my flesh but I didn't do anything.
Then, I don't know when and how, I saw someone coming for me and he got me out of the fire.
Couple weeks later.. I recovered. My legs were demented/half crippled, my hands were burned and all scarred, and half my face was just drooping to one side like the flesh melted. I looked like a monster and I was so depressed.
All the people I knew threw a huge party for me at this massive auditorium/theatre to recognize my efforts or something? I wasn't sure what I had done because the fire accident was all just a quick blurr. Anyway, during this long celebration I was wandering around trying to find someone I knew well because I was feeling more than overwhelmed at this point. I wasn't even enjoying myself. I was upset, shocked.. but mostly confused.
As I was walking around, I noticed my limping and my hands and my face. I started crying and I was so distraught. I grab held of a knife and started threatening everyone around me. I told people to get the hell out of my way and get out of here and go home. I was waving the knife around stabbing it through the air, showing my anger. I was scarred not only on the outside but on the inside. There was something more than just the fire that burned.. but I couldn't remember. (I was yelling and crying my eyes out in my dream)
Then as everyone started running out the door, shocked of my irradical behaviour.. I fell down and just cried. My friend (and it's ironic how it just had to be this person.. the one I'm referring to in my last post) sat down with me. He smiled at me and I smiled back. I was suddenly at peace that he was beside me. He tried comforting me and telling me that everything was going to be okay.
I took his words with trust.
And that's all I remember for now..
Here we go...
I had fallen down.. lying there on my side not being able to move because my legs were numb. I looked up and all I saw were flames scattered around me and a huge fire just growing and growing. At first I tried and tried to move and escape but my legs were so limp and I was in so much pain that I didn't even have enough strength to pull my body away. So I just quit, and put my head back down and laid there so helpless. I could feel the fire burning my flesh but I didn't do anything.
Then, I don't know when and how, I saw someone coming for me and he got me out of the fire.
Couple weeks later.. I recovered. My legs were demented/half crippled, my hands were burned and all scarred, and half my face was just drooping to one side like the flesh melted. I looked like a monster and I was so depressed.
All the people I knew threw a huge party for me at this massive auditorium/theatre to recognize my efforts or something? I wasn't sure what I had done because the fire accident was all just a quick blurr. Anyway, during this long celebration I was wandering around trying to find someone I knew well because I was feeling more than overwhelmed at this point. I wasn't even enjoying myself. I was upset, shocked.. but mostly confused.
As I was walking around, I noticed my limping and my hands and my face. I started crying and I was so distraught. I grab held of a knife and started threatening everyone around me. I told people to get the hell out of my way and get out of here and go home. I was waving the knife around stabbing it through the air, showing my anger. I was scarred not only on the outside but on the inside. There was something more than just the fire that burned.. but I couldn't remember. (I was yelling and crying my eyes out in my dream)
Then as everyone started running out the door, shocked of my irradical behaviour.. I fell down and just cried. My friend (and it's ironic how it just had to be this person.. the one I'm referring to in my last post) sat down with me. He smiled at me and I smiled back. I was suddenly at peace that he was beside me. He tried comforting me and telling me that everything was going to be okay.
I took his words with trust.
And that's all I remember for now..
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