A photo that makes you stop to think:

I've always wanted to be a citizen for humanity.. but I guess not enough to try and make a difference. But coming across this photo has reminded me of the burden we fail to carry.

How can I make it a reality to me when I live in such a sealed bubble? Either I'm afraid to come out or I don't know how to come out or.. I'm just making up excuses and I think 'me' is more important. The latter is probably true but.. I need to do something and stop being so oblivious! I waste so much time. God, I'm asking for an opportunity and I hope that my pride doesn't get in the way. There are those who desperately need CHANGE.. including myself. Change my heart, O God and make it so ever true.

Beauty for Ashes, Joy for Pain

A damn good song by Starfield called Over My Head.
This hits me every time.


After the words have all been said
After the songs are sung
I realize I've only but just begun
Trying to wrap my mind around
Extravagant love come down
Leaves me undone
Finds me with nothing to say

Unquenchable songs and endless praise
A million tongues poised to sing
Could still not convey
The worth that Your name deserves
Beauty for ashes
Joy for pain
Mercy instead of my blame
Ruins me for more
I'm lost in Your presence, Lord

Lost for the words to say
I'm left here in disarray
Waiting for You, waiting on truth
I've thrown reason overboard
Knowing that there's still more
I don't yet believe, I can't even perceive
I can't seem to understand
Can't seem to find my way
It's over my head, it's over my head
Learning this mystery
Trust what I cannot see
It's over my head, it's over my head
The wonder of all You've made
Foundations Your hands have laid
Ruined for anything other than Your love
I'm desperate to know You, Lord
Desperate for what's in store
Finding my hope in only You, in only You
Take me beyond this door
Lead me to something more
Open my heart up for more of You, more of You

My God is amazing I tell ya.

So according to the dream I wrote below.. I think God helped me figure it out.
I've been so ashamed of myself and the things I've done that I didn't even want to let the people that love me, see me. God wants to celebrate His love for us no matter who we are and what we look like. But I was so upset and so scared to let anyone see me like that.
I guess it's because in the end, as long as we recover from the fires and burns we endure, God will always be there with arms open wide.


Isaiah 50:10
Who among you fears the LORD
and obeys the word of his servant?
Let him who walks in the dark,
who has no light,
trust in the name of the LORD
and rely on his God.

Psalm 103:12
"As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."

Dream Journal

So last night I had another crazy episode in my sleep.
Here we go...

I had fallen down.. lying there on my side not being able to move because my legs were numb. I looked up and all I saw were flames scattered around me and a huge fire just growing and growing. At first I tried and tried to move and escape but my legs were so limp and I was in so much pain that I didn't even have enough strength to pull my body away. So I just quit, and put my head back down and laid there so helpless. I could feel the fire burning my flesh but I didn't do anything.
Then, I don't know when and how, I saw someone coming for me and he got me out of the fire.

Couple weeks later.. I recovered. My legs were demented/half crippled, my hands were burned and all scarred, and half my face was just drooping to one side like the flesh melted. I looked like a monster and I was so depressed.
All the people I knew threw a huge party for me at this massive auditorium/theatre to recognize my efforts or something? I wasn't sure what I had done because the fire accident was all just a quick blurr. Anyway, during this long celebration I was wandering around trying to find someone I knew well because I was feeling more than overwhelmed at this point. I wasn't even enjoying myself. I was upset, shocked.. but mostly confused.

As I was walking around, I noticed my limping and my hands and my face. I started crying and I was so distraught. I grab held of a knife and started threatening everyone around me. I told people to get the hell out of my way and get out of here and go home. I was waving the knife around stabbing it through the air, showing my anger. I was scarred not only on the outside but on the inside. There was something more than just the fire that burned.. but I couldn't remember. (I was yelling and crying my eyes out in my dream)

Then as everyone started running out the door, shocked of my irradical behaviour.. I fell down and just cried. My friend (and it's ironic how it just had to be this person.. the one I'm referring to in my last post) sat down with me. He smiled at me and I smiled back. I was suddenly at peace that he was beside me. He tried comforting me and telling me that everything was going to be okay.
I took his words with trust.

And that's all I remember for now..