"Fill your life with purpose instead of mourning what's missing."

Irene & Xtine's Adventures

Schulich Formal 2010

Liberty Grand, Lakeshore Toronto.

Cheers to a wonderful night and a great 4 years with all these girls!

The Chinese-Accounting Crew.

Me & the 3 stooges. Many many memories :)

Me & two barbies.

The Courtyard.

Photos Courtesy of Justin Chung.

What a night filled with good food, good company, and dancing.. :) Also my favourite Prof won a Teachers Excellence award and we got to chat for a bit after!

hehe :)

Always a John and never a hooker.

I thought this was very out there.

Bend but don't Break

Lately I've been reading one of Charlotte Bronte's greatest novels, Jane Eyre. I bought it because I thought the cover was pretty and elegant, and naturally I thought the story would unfold likewise. But I was wrong. Bronte tells a romance without the glittery fashion, dreamy Edward eyes, or butterflies. Instead, she gives you a very sober and honest situation between two stubborn, less-than-perfect individuals (i.e. Jane isn't your typical delicate beauty and the fancy Mr. Rochester is far from a handsome young prince). Hence with unattractive characters and 600 pages, what attracts readers to liken this novel so much? For me, it's their honest feelings for each other, the feeling of fear and love stirred together. Although Mr. Rochester may be old and stern, his heart for Jane has me crushing on him.

I would like to share this one dialogue between them:

Jane: I suppose your love will effervesce in six months, or less. I have observed in books written by men, that period assigned as the farthest to which a husband's ardour extends...

Mr. Rochester: Distasteful! I think I shall like you again and yet again: and I will make you confess I do not only like, but love you-- with truth, fervour, constancy.

Jane: Yet are you not capricious, sir?

Mr. R: To women who please me only by their faces, I am the very devil when I find out they have neither souls nor hearts...but to the clear eye and eloquent tongue, to the soul made of fire, and the character that bends but does not break, I am ever tender and true.

Jane: Have you ever experience of such a character, sir? Did you ever love such an one?

Mr. R: I love it now.

4 years of this. :)

Honesty is a crinkled heart

"... it’s not about cherry-wood flooring. No, life is about love and truly experiencing the beauty we are meant to know." - K.H., Nella's story

I read this story twice in a row and a third time the next day because it was such a touching story... it wasn't so much the content or moral of her story that hit me, rather it was the author's honesty. She was completely honest with her emotions and it made me really appreciate her writing, her story.

To quickly reiterate, she told of her experience giving birth to a daughter with down syndrome- her first reaction, her train of thoughts, the emotional pain, and the hours upon hours of crying.. She wrote about how she wanted to run away with her first daughter and their perfect "cupcake" world because she didn't want to face this different life her new child would bring.

As I was reading this story, my heart crinkled.. and it wasn't so much for the story.. but, again, for the telling of the story. She was so real to herself and about what she was afraid of. Then I started to think: "Am I being honest with myself?.. maybe, maybe not.. and if not, why not?" I went through a string of why's and kept turning in circles until I decided to continue reading her story through to the end. And that's when reading the quote above stopped my circling... That I am very afraid to stray away from my cupcake world. I know life is more but am I experiencing it? Am I really being sincere about the relationships in my life? Do I understand love, know love, and have love? These questions, I hope, won't bother me for long as I try to be less naive and more aware.

Well the beautiful part about her story is that it ends with a tearful smile. In her complete honesty, she found truth.. and truth is love.

"Instead of's"

I was reading up on this girl's blog about characteristics she wants to strive for and I felt like I could relate completely.. here's a list of a few of hers with some of mine..

Timeless instead of trendy.

Generous instead of entitled.

Patient instead of prideful.

Humbled instead of narcissistic.

Controlled instead of given up.

Letting go instead of holding on.

Dream Entry

Again, another night of peace-less sleep and tossing and turning. So what happened in my dream this time?

My friend Emily and I were aboard this sleek-looking futuristic jet and we were taken to another planet filled with deep blue waters with the exception of bits and pieces of islands and mountains. Getting past the atmosphere was extremely rough .. like very intense turbulence.. and just as I thought I was about to die getting there, we got there, in one piece. We landed on this tiny island, surrounded by crystal blue water with all these native people holding staffs in their hands, dancing and playing.. and actually, I'm almost embarrassed to say that I even dreamed about this but some of the people were tall and blue (like the Na'vi people from Avatar).. Anyway! We got off the jet and started to roam around the area. After just being in awe of the place and the fact that we were on a different planet, we decided to go on this boat tour for snorkeling, or so we thought it was.

This is when a series of problems started to happen.. as we were swimming, the water turned really violent and I was struggling to keep my head above the water AND for some reason I couldn't zip-up my lifejacket, so I was clinging on to it not trying to drown. Finally, my friend came to help me and we both swam back to the boat where everyone was retreating. With everyone on board, the boat suddenly lifted off from the raging waters and the next thing I noticed, we were flying. Also, there weren't enough seats so I was clinging on a pole for my life as the boat-turned-helicopter (with no doors or railings) was making circles in the air flying to another destination. I remember thinking I was going to be whipped out of the boat and be eaten by those waters.

The turbulent flying settles and we start cruising over these great big mountains.. but it was odd because there was ice and snow everywhere.. no more green tress and pearly white sand. It was as if we suddenly ended up in the arctic. I looked down and saw two people struggling to kayak in a stream of ice cold water with huge clumps of snow falling on them. I turned to the person sitting next to me that I don't think they were going to make it. I looked back at the kayakers and couldn't find a trace of them... it was so freaky.

Finally the boat landed on some solid ground and we all got out. I realized why we were taken here.. because it's the best view of the mountains. Honestly, even if I could paint a picture of what I dreamed about, it wouldn't do justice. The scenery was breath-taking. Picture vast mountains with snow-capped tops stretching as far east and west as your eye can possibly reach. The sky is a mix of pink, red, orange, yellow, blue and purple.. with scattered clouds. The sun is peaking behind bare trees hundreds of feet tall. It was so beautiful.. all the tourists were taking so many photos. We walked down a steep icy path between those tall trees to get to the edge of the cliff, where you could see the canyon deep below. I didn't make it to the edge because of some things that happened along the pathway. First, some of us were stopped in our tracks when we saw a bat hanging on a tree branch sticking right in the middle of the pathway. Apparently our tour guide told us that it was a vicious bat that killed people when they got in its way. So we slowly turned around and quickly tried to climb back up the icy pathway but the ground was shaking and snow was falling like a mini avalanche. We couldn't get back up the path because everything was too icy to grab hold of. Then I heard the bat screech and flap its wings and whoever could jumped behind a tree trunk. The bat attacked one person who couldn't hide themselves in time by bitting them. Then as the bat flew away everyone scrambled to get back to the flying boat. But suddenly, a little boy stopped the tour guide and said that he was missing his mom and dad. The tour guide couldn't leave anyone left behind so we tried to search for them. Just then, I slipped and fell on my back sliding down the pathway until I got to the very edge and grabbed onto a branch for my dear life. I then heard someone faintly crying for help and I realized it was the mom and dad. The parents were stuck between branches and were also seconds away from those branches snapping and them falling to their deaths. A man finally appeared at the top and lowered a rope. I was the first in reach so I grabbed onto it and in a chain form, the dad grabbed onto my leg and his wife held onto his leg. The man at the top tried pulling us up but it didn't seem to work because the wife was wrapped around branches that wouldn't let her loose. The next few moments is all I remember before waking up from this dream.. me and the parents were painfully stuck, holding on to a rope I thought wasn't going to hold us.

So I woke up and I actually tried going back to sleep into that same dream to see what happened.. no luck :S

Then what was even more ironic after waking up was that I went down to the kitchen to get a glass of water and I saw the front page newspaper talking about a snowmobiling tour gone wrong because of an avalanche in BC.

Anyway, I hope those survivors make it through alright and God be with the families of the 2 that couldn't make it.

"A life without cause is like a map without its compass." - unknown.

Stuff

I was reading the blog of one of my favourite authors, Donald Miller, and I came across an interesting point he made in an entry. Here he touches on the essence of the stories of heroes in the Bible.

"In an age where we are taught through commercialism there should be no struggles in life that the purchasing of a product won’t relieve, the Bible is incompatible. But the age of commercialism has let us down. Many have found their stuff has made life more meaningless. What we’ve forgotten is that every great story has to involve a difficult ambition, and must then travel through the land of conflict. The best stories have their protagonist wondering if they are going to make it. What scripture teaches us, then, is that God will be with us in that place, and will give us the strength to endure a hard thing."

Thailand

Anyway want to come with me and Emily in MAY? :)

procrastination

My first time snorkeling! The fish ate my bread roll so quickly... and they came so close I could have grabbed one. :)




Oh and GO CANADA :)

With wonders and wishes

So cute! I found this little guy crawling around on the beach. It looked a bit surreal.. it's eyes were pure black and seemed like they were floating or somethingg. Anyway! Punta Cana definitely lives up to its reputation as having the nicest beaches in Dominican.

2010 adventure travel #1 done! :)

What's next? I'm not quite sure (won't be thinking about it until April) but Em and I are hoping for Asia...

I think travelling is an addiction. After my Vegas/Canyon trip last July, all I could think about was going away again. Six months later after my Dominican trip, I can't wait till graduation so I can explore this world even more.. Even when I read about that School Ship that sank recently (thank God everyone was safe), I couldn't get over the fact that there's really such a thing as Breaker High.. travelling the world via ship in 5 months with other students. Why didn't I think of that earlier?? I need to get myself a boat, gravol, snorkeling gear and bread!

Haha, I don't want to stay put...

Take me there, I wanna go there.

popcorn time!

In recent weeks, I have watched a plethora of movies and wanted to give my 2 cents on a few.

Boondock Saints (1999): cult classic - an amusing and witty crime thriller; 2 good-looking Irish brothers seeking to do justice by killing off mobsters in Boston city while being pursued by a pertinacious detective. The storyline has its rollercoaster effect, captivating indeed, with good punchlines, awesome acting, artistic choreography, and of course lots of action and blood with true moments of vulnerability and pain. It was unique and very slick.. overall, I'd give it an 8.8/10.

Feeling Minnesota (1996): I saw this on TV and decided to stay put and watch because Keanu Reeves and Cameron Diaz starred in it. I thought they'd be an awkward match that wouldn't work but I was wrong. Although this movie received bad reviews, I'd like to disagree and say I actually enjoyed it. It really took you deep into each character's world and after the first few moments they meet I was hooked on finding out until the end if they got to live happily ever after. It was about a former stripper (Diaz) who had a debt owed to a nightclub owner and so as repayment, he forced her to marry this dofus guy. At the wedding she unsuccessfully tries running away from, she ends up meeting her now-husband's ex-convict brother (Reeves). They instantly fall in love or she sees him as her last and only hope as they indiscreetly getaway to Vegas together. The rest of the movie is a huge chase build-up from the angry husband to the detective and the club owner and his pose. It was entertaining and comedic and I barely even noticed it was Reeves and Diaz playing these characters (which is a good thing). Also, Dan Aykroyd (i.e. Ghostbusters guy, Conehead father) was perfect for the part of the detective- hilarious and naive. And surprisingly the ending was great and put a smile to my face. A lot of action, anticipation/suspense, great characters, an underlying touch of romance... overall, I'd rate it 6.8/10.

Camille (2007): This was definitely a likable adventure/comedy/drama/romance film with two of my favourite good-looking actors - Sienna Miller and James Franco. Sienna was amazing in Factory Girl (I'll blog about that movie another time) and Franco was heart-melting in everything. Anyway, the film is set in a small town about a very pessimistic petty-thief who marries his parole officer's niece, the most bubbly-lovin-southern-accent girl, in hopes of escaping to Canada when they head out on their motorcycle roadtrip to Niagra Falls for their honeymoon. He seems to despise her and find her giggles extremely annoying but love unravels as a series of unexpected events unfold with state police hunting them down. These characters really compliment each other in an opposite-attraction-love-type way. It's so cute, I love it. It's weird, random, symbolic, and pretty awesome. Overall, this film deserves a 7.4/10.

Colonel Williams - Macho Man Murderer?

Following up on the case of Trenton's Commander, Colonel Russel Williams, who is the alleged murderer of two women and two assaults (and quite possibly the deaths of five other young women who didn't even reach my age), I read an interesting article from a forensic psychologist's view.

According to TheStar, Williams might classify as the rarest type of serial offender - a Macho Man. They tend to be intelligible men with 'significant others who “do well in the workplace,” “are drawn to law enforcement or military,” display an obsessive-compulsive need for things to be “done a very specific way,” “prefer to dress in uniform,” and “stand up very straight, even in personal life.”'

But really, how does that come close to explaining how a high-ranking military officer, respected and looked highly upon with a wife who is associate exec to Heart&Stroke, can commit such hideous crimes? The answer is a whirlwind of ideas but there is one that the forensic pointed out - compartmentalizing. The dictionary definition states that compartmentalization is a "divide and conquer" process for separating thoughts that will conflict with one another. In Williams' case, he was able to separate his secret malicious behavior from his respectable daily life, and thus, kill without guilt.

"Like a hitman for the mob, he kills for a living yet otherwise leads an ordinary family life."

Compartmentalizing is closely associated with dehumanization in serial killers, whereby the offender believes their victims are subhuman and expendable and that maybe they are doing society good for killing them off. So much for extreme altruism. Col. Williams has 23 years of experience in law enforcement and civil protection and he goes on a killing spree targeting young females. Quite evidently, he took his power and control way too far.

Anyway, this case brings up worried intuitions inside me thinking.. don't we all experience compartmentalization in some way or another? Maybe we're not experts like Williams and all the other offenders in this world, but it does come to show that we do have divided hearts. But that's the Christian life isn't it? At least until we really figure out how to blend the two together.. or let one take over the other.

Oh and just another quick thought... how about the soldiers fighting in the war? I mean, it's almost runs parallel. They're killing people (for a "cause") while they've got their girlfriends, wifes, children back at home... again, altruism in its extreme.

Dreamcatcher

Everyone writes about fashion, celebrities, and cupcakes. I clearly don't know fashion since I wear the same sweater almost everyday.. nor do I find much interest in celebrity gossip.. and lastly, I barely have time to bake. So in light of this and because I feel the need to release my thoughts in some way or another (without making another sad and lonely post)... I am going to blog about my dreams! .. AND since I watch tons of movies that I think many people miss out on, I'll write about that too.

Exactly a week ago I had this crazy dream. I'm not psycho..FYI, this was after I watched the movie Boondock Saints, lol. Anyway, my dream begins like so...

I was with my dear friend and there seemed to be something bothering him. I asked him what it was but he couldn't seem to tell me.. until after constantly probing him and asking, he told me. He said, "Three weeks ago I was surrounded by a gang, they wanted to kill me, but they beat me to the ground instead." He explained why he didn't want to tell me right away about it and for some odd reason I got mad at him for lying to me. I was torn over the fact that he wouldn't come to me first for help. I hated how he kept that a secret from me even if he was trying to "not get me worried/in danger". So in my frustration, I beat my friend up for not being able to trust me (how ironic). I actually beat him until his face was bleeding and he couldn't keep his eyes open anymore. When I realized that he was losing consciousness, I held him and said I was sorry and called the ambulance.

Later, while he was recovering in the hospital... I was determined to find this gang that attacked him. I had a friend to accompany me. We found out these guys operated an underground brothel in a run-down area of a city. In order to get to them we decided to pose as workers there and waited for the boss to make his nightly visit. Finally, he entered one of the rooms and we quickly made our move to replace the girls that would go inside. We shut the door and my friend held him down while I beat the crap out of him. I broke his arms and stabbed him with a knife. I noticed he had a hand-gun, so I took it for my next mission.

There were 3 other guys I was determined to get revenge on. In the hallway we found them and shot them down, but one got away. At this point in my dream I was just running and running, chasing after this guy. He was skinny, looked young, and extremely terrified, but I didn't care. Finally, I see him run into a convenience store and I slow down my pace.. getting ready to kill him. I walk in and there's no sight of this last dude. The store clerks were frightened and hiding behind the counter. I start walking up and down the aisles, this was a big convenience store, until I spot him and corner him. His hands go up and he pleads for mercy or anything. I just start yelling at him and saying he was stupid to beat up my friend. My friend whips the knife at him like she's throwing darts and his left arm gets pinned to the wall.

I just walk up to him slowly and aim my gun on his right chest. "I don't want to shoot your heart, you don't deserve to die, but you deserve to suffer the same pain as my friend did". He was crying at this point and asking me to not shoot, but I did anyway. My goal was complete and we ran out of there.. back to the hospital to tell my friend everything was taken care of.

One week until Punta Cana :)

Oh mister Sun, Sun.. mister golden Sun.. please shine down on me!

What a ride into the new year it's been.

Deliver me out of my sadness

Deliver me from all of the madness

Deliver me courage to guide me

quick laugh

When silence falls..

This post is dedicated to a close friend of mine who recently lost someone very dear to them. I don't think there's really much to say but a thought did come to mind while I was driving to school today.

There will always be a time for everything. Different emotions, different circumstances will cycle throughout our lives bringing us as high up and deep below as possible. But one thing that will always remain constant and in humility is God's love for us. And I think we often forget the power of this truth and the amazement it offers us... that there really exists a love that is unchanging under circumstances, a love that perpetuates without the need to be deserving of it, a love that is patient in a world so quick-tempered, and finally a love that never fails to be our solid rock.

God chooses us to be His sheep and we choose Him because we will never find a love like His, ever.

I've had questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, i have known pain
but theres one thing, that i'll cling to
you are faithful, Jesus your true

when hope is lost, i'll call you saviour
when pain surrounds, i'll call you healer
when silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart

In the lone hour, of my sorrow
through the darkest night of my soul
you surround me, and sustain me
my defender, forever more

I will praise you, i will praise you
when the tears fall, still i will sing to you
Through the suffering still i will sing..